E Worcester Unum

Yoo Hoo Unum! Over here!

The cute little town east of Lake Quinsig, Shrewsbury… you know the one that used to have Spags?

I hear you are looking for a place to expand your offices? I hear you would like to stay in Worcester but you were quoted as saying, “I can’t say what will end up happening." Have I got a deal for you, actually several great deals in various properties.

Right off the bat, the entire town is a good deal with an across-the-board tax rate of 9.14% for all property taxes. You are being ripped off in Worcester: 26.2% for commercial! Even if you were just a regular person you would be paying 12.54%. Yeah, sure, Mayor Lukes is working on a deal, but we are already a great deal and maybe Shrewsbury Selectman could do even better. In 2003, you donated over $330,000 to Worcester charities, we promise not to have our local charities beg for that much money. But if you wanted to throw it our way we will not complain.

Ok, we are a bit short on water, but you are an insurance company, you probably only use water for the bathrooms. I hear compostable toilets are becoming popular or maybe you could get rid of the coffee maker to cut back on that diuretic effect. Hand sanitizer gel at the sinks will cut down on hand washing, and let’s face it most probably don’t wash their hands anyway. We are a muni electric company, I bet our rates are cheaper than old National Grid. Check it out.

Our first available property is the old drive in, located off route 20, not far from the Mass Pike entrance. Thirty-five acres of nice flat land, located a few miles from the soon to be Avalon Triangle in Northboro and the other two in Shrewsbury off route 20. Just think of the fun you can have naming the conference rooms using the drive in movie theme: the Godzilla Conference Room, Texas Chain Saw Massacre Conference Room, and Beach Blanket Bingo Conference Room. The employee exercise room could be called The Blob and the cafeteria can be called The Concession Stand. If you don’t run big 18 wheelers through neighborhoods you shouldn’t get too much opposition from local residents.

Another property is actually several options located on Centech Blvd. It is ok, if you are not a “tech” company, we are beggars we will not be too choosy, (unless you are a low-rate long-term hotel/apt.). This property is located near the commuter rail and a fire station — what amenities! A convenience store is supposed to be built near that site, just think of the mid-day Slushee runs your employees can make. This is also located right next to the soon to be built new Avalon, no excuses from your employees for not coming to work during a record breaking Nor’easter, they can walk to work. You can also have fun with your conference rooms keeping with the cheesy futuristic slant. You could call them “pods” or communication ports with names like HAL, Moon Base Alpha, Roswell, NASA, and Enterprise. I would skip on naming the cafeteria Soylent Green.

Our favorite poster child property is the town-owned, Allen Farm site, located between Routes 20 and 9. It has been said the terrain is not really suitable and would need some work. When I drive by I always think, “golf course.” Unum, you are a leading worker disability insurance company, just think of the potential for rooting out cheaters. You build a nice little course, invite the potential cheaters to an all expenses paid “golf junket” and then nail them when they are performing without any disability. Oh, and the fun naming the conference rooms, the Hayloft, and the Barn; the cafeteria could be called the Trough. You could probably get a good deal on this one; the citizens are getting a bit testy about the length of time the town has owned this property. If you want it just call up our town hall and ask for Mike.

Tell him ShrewsBuried sent you.